Friday, June 28


i bought peaches from kay. no one rode the bus. i listened to the radio and tried to pay attention. i listened to each part of the songs and tried to hear differences between what different instruments sounded like from song to song. i imagined the shapes and volume and motion that applied to the sounds.

1. numbers and letters and words have colors and brightness.
2. sound has density/volume/texture and moves through space.
3. what else?

then i decided i had paid enough attention for one day and switched the radio to AM. it was extra good. nothing sounded right. it was all over the place in twenty demensions. this ear-piercing children's song that was so shrill i had to scream to drown it out and not go crazy.

i am the screamiest bus driver in richmond.

yours, amanda L. at 2:24:00 PM [+]


the train is above my head

the train is above my head, loudly.
i'll drive the bus today. friday is not like thursday. no vendors at all.
i'm glad its raining.

yours, amanda L. at 11:06:00 AM [+]

Thursday, June 27


finding shelter, and escaping danger
work was hard to-day. i drove the bus, which can be fun especially when no one catches it and i drive around all day, singing with the radio, which always plays Barricuda and Tainted Love and Paridise City and Crazy Train at least once. sometimes kyong puts her bike through the emergency door and brings me cakes from the cafe. i have an airconditioner on my bus, which pours a steady trickle of water onto the left back seat, but the cool air never gets to me. instead, the engine covers me in a thick blanket of heat, making me uncontrollably sleepy.

to-day, a lady called the office asking when the bus would arrive at her stop. i cheerfully and accidentally told her the wrong times. this will mean a long irrate email to the market office that kathy will answer because i am the least diplomatic. then, later in the day, at the intersection of 15th and main, the horse ran away right in front of me.

there is a horse and carriage that people ride from the market to the free canal boat rides. this always makes me nervous and sad, seeing the poor horse stuck in traffic, past the construction sites, sad sad sad horse. today, i guess the horse just said fuck this, shook off the contraption attatching it to the cariage and took off down 15th toward the canal. i was stopped at the light across from the carriage, eyes wide, incredulous.

the horse, running fast fast away. jackhammers, exhaust, and this poor horse just running like hell towards the water. free!
i was happy and scared.
they will catch it.

the people in the carriage suddenly stuck in traffic with no pull. richmond drivers immediately began driving around it on all sides, impatiently. honking at the lady trying to uncollapse her babybuggy and make it to the curb. my bus is wide and obnoxious so i used it to block traffic and let the carriage people figure stuff out. the lady drivng it shrieked at me, go tell bob. at the farmers market i drove over to the carriage stop. "the horse ran away!" bob's eyes bugged out from his head and his folding chair tipped over behind him. he jumped on the bus. a bunch of old ladies flagged me down, are you going to the canal? they climbed on. bob jumped off again and ran off. kate and daniel waved.

i watched all this happen with interest.
this story makes it seem like i had a good day. but i was prickly and pointy-edged, and short with poeple who asked dumb questions.
i just wanted to go swimming.
i need someone to take me on a holiday.

yours, amanda L. at 9:50:00 PM [+]


reader, swim with me
i still don't know if the randolph pool charges for membership.
yesterday i took the top sheet off the bed and soaked it with water from the shower, then laid it back across the bed and set both cats ontop off it. they looked at me like, ahhh. then i crawled under the sheet and fell fast asleep.
this is the best idea i've had in my life, ever.
nicholas stayed awake all night sneezing. he sneezed three hundred times. this morning i found all of his rings on the table in my room and my heart seized with fear.
i love nicholas like a fever.

yours, amanda L. at 10:00:00 AM [+]

Monday, June 24


it is still happening, almost to the point of impairment. i just plugged in the modem, and clicked connect. the computer made its regular sounds, revealing the dial tone and dialing the number, and then there was this faint but dense static. i unplugged the cord and the static did not change. i heard cats meowing inside the static sound, and behind that people's voices. then it was just static. i kept plugging and unplugging the modem---and all the fans are filling up all the auditory space in here, and they are always on, and i wonder if that is doing something strange to my hearing---to the balance of my hearing?

yours, amanda L. at 10:17:00 PM [+]


i'm picking up radio signals in my head. its interesting, and troubling. they are both loud and soft. i am also hearing sounds from earlier in the day, and in some cases days earlier, faintly. like an image burned onto a screen. except sound.

i was laying on my bed waiting for lorelei to get here. it is very hot and my body is very heavy and difficult. somewhere in my head that is a different area from where i hear sounds, i'm hearing sounds. except they don't sound right, exactly---they don't exactly sound like sounds. it reminds me of when we picked up the sound of lightning on the radio. except, its voices and talking. a pool of sound. no, a wave. i'm not sure.

i became restless paying attention to it and decided to pace around the room instead. and to write this.
sound is the next step, i think. in my pattern.

yours, amanda L. at 10:12:00 PM [+]


you have probably discovered that you cannot hold your breath or keep your eyes from blinking for very long

i fell asleep on the bus and went to the wrong neighborhood. its the suburb you can only find like the lion the witch and the wardrobe; not by riding your bike all over the place, trying. only only only when one falls asleep on the riverside/south allen bus. i was reading about burmese women harvesting poppy gum, in yesterday's new york times. now it is six-thirty and i missed swimming, or rather, i will miss it, because i am in love with sleep, after skipping it last night, and anyway i want to wait for my little sister to arrive here for a visit.

i kicked through some creepy brown-eyed susans on my way home.
breathing and blinking are involuntary acts---you don't have to decide to do them, they just happen. the same is true of heartbeat---

yours, amanda L. at 6:23:00 PM [+]


i added the trick that lets you comment on the things i write.
see it? maybe you want to give it a try--

yours, amanda L. at 1:50:00 AM [+]

Saturday, June 22


"advise you to fly here at once--"

i rode my bike to the bookstore. i wanted to get one of the dense blank notebooks with grid paper inside of them. the ones that everybody seems to have, and in fact i have a few, but after i write on half a dozen of their pages i lose interest and begin to think it is the notebook's fault and that i require a fresh one. when empty, they are more compelling. it was exciting to discover that barnes and noble had begun carrying tinier versions of them.

when muna broke her arm and was subsequently bedridden, all she asked for was a haircut and a red dense notebook.

i collected a stack of books on buying real estate and the Best Science Writing 2001 compilation and sat down in a mushy chair. a boy sat down in the chair next to me, took out a little zippered case that looked like it should hold an organizer or something, but instead was full of interesting medical things. and then the boy pricked his finger and bled onto a little rectangle which he slid into a little machine which i can only assume read his blood and told him things about its quality. i felt dizzy with delight, and began trying to think of the right way to ask him what he was doing, what was the verdict, what everything. he was fast and nonchanlant and slurped the excess blood off his fingertip. then i suddenly got very dizzy for real and had to put my book down and close my eyes.

i wanted the boy to say, what is the matter? and i would say, no, what is the matter?

it was hard to read, so i pretended to read and instead thought about all the illnesses that involve checking your blood during the day and if this was something andrew bourne should look into getting. then i thought, maybe he already has one. then i thought, if he has one, maybe i can try it!

after enough time had passed i slipped the new new notebook into my bag and left. on the way home an SUV was stopped on monument avenue and i watched a lady carry something across to the median and lay at the foot of a tree there. she climbed back into her car and drove off. i stopped my bike to see what it was and

it was a kitten she had hit. its head was burst open and horrible and the world sort of turned sideways and my heart felt weird. the SUV reappeared because i guess she had u-turned and she asked if it was my kitten and she asked some other things but i don't remember and i didn't respond but i sort of hated her for driving an SUV and not paying attention enough to not destroy things. after i started pedalling home again i couldn't stop thinking about what it looked like until i was crying.

when i got home i thought, i will stay inside and read We Can Build You and not leave the house. i sat in the hallway next to the screen door with Eismeer on my lap. we watched the neighborhood kids light smokebombs that flashed brightly and lit up the trees.

yours, amanda L. at 11:11:00 PM [+]


the days grow and the stars cross over


yours, amanda L. at 11:09:00 AM [+]

Thursday, June 20


my mood was black as a cat until i noticed this

muna's speaking to us from cuba, look!
and for two days i said to jonathan, have you heard anything.
i've heard something.

yours, amanda L. at 11:26:00 PM [+]


on other things about today
i looked around the internet like a spy. i was led to alicia wade's livejournal. kyong and i ate plums that we pulled off someone's tree that lives on floyd avenue. there were plums all over the ground, all squished. i ate plums unabashedly until i took one of the plums and pulled it open very slowly and thought about sex organs and then i thought about my phobia of plants in general and suddenly felt worried and could not eat them anymore. the poor tree. the poor plums.
i don't want to piss off the trees on floyd, they are tall. i ride down that street at night sometimes, looking at them.

yours, amanda L. at 1:58:00 AM [+]


on what happened
i rode my bicycle through the night the way i like to
i chose park instead of floyd
i was thinking about other people and what i might say to them
and maybe i was talking a little
when sudenly! as i got nearer to harrison street,
there was a naked man standing on the corner, walking
towards the corner! and i zoomed past him on my bike

and i thought, this does not happen. does this happen?
in the world? and after fourteen or so seconds had past
i realized i was supposed to laugh, because it was funny,
and then i really laughed and laughed and could not stop
except i stopped the bicycle in the vcu area and i laid on
the ground and laughed like i was crazy

now i am home, at my house. thinking, there is a naked man walking around in the world, outside! it was ridiculous that, before, i was trying to unpuzzle what to say to people when i talk to them---and meanwhile there is this man and he does not care and is not afraid! and i am afraid. of talking to people. except, i plan not to be, because i hope i can remember this feeling; that it exists that people wander around in the night naked and do not care.

yours, amanda L. at 1:27:00 AM [+]

Tuesday, June 18


a better agoraphobia
cutting and pasting all day. not leaving the house at all.
last night muna and i prepared for her to leave the country
by drinking red wine and crushed up limes and sugar over ice.

i made tiny postcards today but i don't have anyone's address.
if anyone has an address, tell me, and you'll get a postcard.
i looked at the stack of screen stretchers and silk and felt worried.
the air is strange. both cats are yelling at me. i could do with a long bicycle ride.

here is a mysterious site for the library-obsessed.
the best part is the long list of links to MORE sites for the library-obsessed.

yours, amanda L. at 6:28:00 PM [+]

Sunday, June 16


remember -- to keep in your mind always.
rest -- to stop working or playing and be quiet.

yours, amanda L. at 7:45:00 PM [+]


all my old sketchbooks covered in dust and hair and piled haphazardly in a wooden box in nicholas's house

from august 24, 1997:

1. a gooseheaded wet nurse holding a bundled-up baby or standing at the bassinet, a second baby appears to be sliding sideways off the opposite edge. from behind and underneath the crib a leering demon holds a third infant. stealing it. the entire group floats on a long gondola shaped like a bird with a bird's head at the front.

2. siamese twins (a man and a woman joined at the back; a flip-flop doll with a face on each side) fully clothed float away arms and legs spread out as if to float better, they have horns and the woman is facing upwards.

3. a huge catheaded serpent opens its jaws wide and is preparing to swallow a smaller tiger, which is foaming marvelously through its skin. churning and writhing about in a foamy fever.

4. a lady in layers and layers of petticoats and skirts lays in a mound of pillows and blankets and her hair is flung everywhere. a hunchback dwarf sits on her chest and pours a bottle of wine down her throat while a second woman leans against his back and laughs with her mouth wide open.

5. a disembodied dragon's head. with nothing else near it.

6. a fat, brooding man shakes his fist at his wife as a lionlike creature curls over his shoulder from behind and gnaws on his neck.

7. a large round woman hurriedly flys away, holding her nose and taking great big gasps of air and waving her other arm around frantically, fingers outstretched. she has no legs."

yours, amanda L. at 7:32:00 PM [+]

Friday, June 14


friday afternoon
nicholas has taught himself to play the songs from legend of zelda on the keyboard here---and i've just gotten a new email regarding it (6/18), insisting that i am not supposed to let anyone else play it. its on loan to me, with conditions. apparently.
what a bother.
i am looking over the trading post at trucks.
and now, days later, i am editing this post.
because i'd like a truck.

"1978 datsun pickup, looks & runs
good, CD stereo, AT, 100k mis., nice
alloy wheels, fiberglass cover, GC,
"1977 international scout; V-8,
AT, 4 WD, 63k mis., $400;"

i just want a truck as old as i am.
if i had i truck i would drive it to athens georgia.
where is the best place to get a crack for my gift copy of premiere?

yours, amanda L. at 5:58:00 PM [+]

Thursday, June 13


two lists from different sources

List A
1. 104 polaroid camera
2. microscope set
3. whiskey
4. final fantasy underworld map 2
5. mysterious projector
6. fucking champs lps
7. one piece of lexan
8. screen stretchers
9. strokes cd
10. child's id card
11. a sticker
12. cdr
13. 2 grilled cheeses
14. a sno-cone maker
15. tiger hooked rug

List B

yours, amanda L. at 8:22:00 PM [+]

Wednesday, June 12


1. polish vodka
2. arts and crafts
3. klein bottles
4. its fucking ridiculously hot in my bedroom
5. shut ins

yours, amanda L. at 4:09:00 PM [+]

Monday, June 10


it is dull to write about myself and what i think and what happens.
i would rather someone else do it.
if you'd like to be the one writing these paragraphs, just ask. i will add you to a list that exists and you will give yourself a password and then you will be able to write the stories about what happens. my favorite would be if you pretended to be me and just made things up.

yours, amanda L. at 9:02:00 AM [+]


sits on a gate and climbs a tree

"Why do you look so funny?" asked Pippi. "What's the matter? You don't really think that I'm sitting here telling lies, do you? Just tell me if you do," said Pippi threateningly and rolled up her sleeves.
"Oh, no, indeed," said the girl, terrified. "I don't really mean that you are lying, but---"
"No?" said Pippi. "But it's just what I'm doing. I'm lying so that my tongue is turning black..."

yours, amanda L. at 8:47:00 AM [+]

Saturday, June 8



split brain consciousness.

yours, amanda L. at 2:19:00 PM [+]

Friday, June 7


muna is better than every single musical boy

i didn't stay put tonight. and during the walk home everything took itself through many loops that led into eventual crying. my walk home took more than one hour. i thought, i will disappear, i will hide, i will run away from home. i will go into hiding. outside in richmond it was dark and cooled off and people lurched around arguing and holding their heads with both hands.
now i am reading the magazine i took from the house, that i took because i knew stephen was in russia and would not miss it. it is some sort of Special Edition of SA about brains.

when i was a small child and played board games like sorry or parcheesi or candyland i could make the dice roll whatever i wished, but afterwards i would get a terrible headache. i was convinced that concentrating the hardest on the game at hand would lead to winning.

yours, amanda L. at 1:42:00 AM [+]

Thursday, June 6


does anyone look here? for real? check yes or no.

what i did not tell you about today was that when i found the yearbook of science 1978 i opened it up EXACTLY to a nice color photograph of the radio telescopes in green bank, west va.

yours, amanda L. at 10:35:00 PM [+]


then i took a test called "which angelina are you?" and was told that i am Lisa Rowe from Girl, Interrupted.
people do this. they take tests and then cut and paste this bit of code, which i decided against doing, and they have webpages full of them. it is interesting. i wish the tests had more questions. and that one would get more interesting results. here is website with a lot of tests>>

yours, amanda L. at 10:22:00 PM [+]


i did one of those tests that pinpoint you. this one was for: what childrens book are you. it said that i "am" HENRY THE EXPLORER by MARK TAYLOR.

yours, amanda L. at 10:14:00 PM [+]


which one or ones will not grow younger?

its days later. i did things. i went in cars and stayed up into the next days and i followed people around the city and occasionally drove my bus and/or painted onto it cheerful vistas with acrylic. i crept closer to the invisible lines but stayed on the side of safety and decorum. it grew very hot and the cats and i panicked. but we did this while laying very still and breathing sweatily. i am going to bake a cake in my bedroom if it stays like this. but it hasn't, its already cooled down, its rained and i forgot to close the window and the rained soaked my bed like always, and i put the fans in their best places. i found a books (i mean: what's a books?) at the thrift store about science in 1978, the yearbook of science, the things scientists were doing while my own parents were figuring out when to feed me or what toys to make me not cry or yell. this happened today. coincidences happened today.

yours, amanda L. at 8:05:00 PM [+]

anda gail lewis 2005. stop crying every day.

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