the bright pink and bright headed and brightest brightness
again, all of richmond gets drunk in the usual style. on how when you wake up, the sky is always desperately blue, and awakeness taking control very fast and the night before focusing and unfocusing and settling like a projector and you think oh my fucking god and then start laughing uncontrollably which turns into coughing and then grope around for a water glass thats (already) knocked over, THIS APARTMENT IS FREEZING, laughing and coughing, and your arm has writing all over it with a sharpie, stick figures and the words i'm singing in the rain and the other hand has wednesday + thursday = oneday and then you are like ...IDEA CLUB!...i love idea club!!!!
1. sharpie markers
2. wednesday + thursday = oneday
3. idea club
5. (and the livejournal multiverse.)
A. mark ryden
B. henry darger
C. dame darcy
D. what i am wanting, and today is saturday, is to live in a house with television, lots of televsion, cabletvroryphillipsstyle; because i want to wake up some morning in a house with televsion and immediately eat bowl after bowl of cereal while watching cartoons or music videos or something, and then afternoons of reading and naps. and then more cereal for dinner.
i also want phone calls like you have no idea. come on, telepaths! are you not even fucking listening???
yours, amanda L. at 2:03:00 PM [+]
and on how when you focus your attention you can win games but get a headache AND on how coincidences are out of fucking control today, reader
the-order-of-things-core amanda. moving about the apartment with a new solidarity. trips down the street for errands. bank, postoffice, etc, repeat. envelopes. buckminster fuller. coffee on the stove. Fun With A Purpose. things going so well that i take Getting Things Done to an entirely new level, cancelling this and that with official phone calls and then telephoning luke to see if he can fix my bike on account of that he had fixed it once kinda good and he had recently cooked lunch for me and evrim and so i imagined we were on good friendly terms.
and my day is all check marks down a list! perfect perfection! even though my bike was not really fixed. but other things! everything all at once!
snow! and springtime, combined into one!
jdl and the eye doctor
after the eye doctor all i wanted to do was go to sleep
sleep sleep sleep
in my cold cold cold house
but i'm not, although i considered curling up in a corner of the library upstairs. but thats so 1996, isnt it?
more library library library
i can't do it. i sit here and distract myself like crazy. and crazy...feeling crazy all, all, all day. shaky-hearted, like i need to drink orange juice and up the blood sugars. completely amped and crazy headed. TALKING IS THE CURE FOR COTTON BRAIN.
things i thought about today, trying to get in touch with telepaths:
1. apple pie
2. the colors green and yellow
3. my phone number
4. sex, but i think that was just because...i think about sex alot.
yours, amanda L. at 5:14:00 PM [+]
on the frozen world and the little apartment in the desolate landscape in the city of hearts
last night i decided not to stay in and cry but instead to annex my house back into a home.
and the recipe was to first search the house for credit cards and then with jason's car and then kroger and at some point the car slid across the ice but stopped in a way that made it clear that the ice and the car were in charge and not me the driver. i am no driver. with the credit card and a shopping cart that i pushed purposely through every aisle like a grown-up and bought all the things necessary to bake only bread and cakes. i will bake bread and cakes at all times to keep my house warm and inviting during my self-imposed exile.
to make your house back into a home you need the following things and a credit card to buy them:
1. bread flour
2. wheat flour
4. dark brown sugar
5. vanilla extract
6. baking power
7. baking soda
13. cooking oil
14. vegetable shortening
15. baking spray
16. two loaf pans
17. mixing spoons
19. fast rising yeast
20. a one-cup coffee filter
21. #2 filters
22. an enormous tin of kroger brand coffee
23. sweetened condensed milk like we put in our coffees in grenada
when i provide you, reader, with this list it is because i am assuming that your apartment is like andrew and i's, in the sense that it has nothing in the icebox but film and photo paper and nothing in the cabinets but random boxed items that andrew's dad has plied upon you because he is doing adkins diet and cannot eat carbs; i am also assuming that your house is minus one billion degrees even with plastic on the windows and you have begun, in a sort of frozen mania, to staplegun the extra blankets over the windows, cursing richmond and muttering about how you'll go live in a goddamn cave and that you are serious this time.
i put all the things into the cabinets and threw everything that did not fit into my methods away. like the one mango that had been in the icebox for months. and the christmas candy no one wanted to eat; and then began systematically baking all the shitty boxed cakes and muffin mixes that had wound up in our cabinets while simutaneously making soup and coffee on top of the stove. it was one oclock in the morning and jason was videotaping clouds that he had made out of cotton and hung from the ceiling fan in the middle of the room and andrew was endlessly constructing mix cd number two for that crappy girl he likes so much. AND WE ARE A FAMILY
yours, amanda L. at 1:52:00 PM [+]
city of timewasters and class-times and bookbuying and here/theres now: walking over and around the ice with some large headphones blocking cold and outside noises, the fixed-up afternoon and general allover salve sort of feeling. luke cooked tofu for evrim and i in luke's house's kitchen, i like how luke always washes his dishes after cooking things with the seriousness of someone who believes in household harmony; and i walked home listening to casiotone, the best thing is warm houses and eating and yes yes yes i will gain fifteen or twenty pounds to keep me warm, i will learn languages, i will finish all undone things; and rewinding everything in my mind oh no, i talked about how i didnt want to read websites about all the boring nothing--- i don't write about---! oh no oh no oh, badly. and: i need to go fix it.
(but how, but how?)
(i backtracked in time/scrolled down and stared with dismay at all the i's and me's. on how we accidently sometimes will point out the actual for real written-down versions of all things that happen ever)
1. something, something without i's and me's
2. the library has a purpose
3. the songs on this cd don't borrow the car, that's what we've got bicycles for
4. julio cortazar a small story tending to illustrate the uncertainty of the stability within which we like to believe we exist, or laws could give ground to the exceptions, unforseen disasters, or improbabilities, and i want to see you there
5. donald barthelme and old times, and 1996
yours, amanda L. at 7:08:00 PM [+]
oh snow cold snow day; dear apartment, i miss you. dear alone time, i miss you. your friend, anda. dear springtime, please take me out. on a for real date. where we have a nice dinner and we go for a long walk holding hands. i mean it this time. yours, anda. p.s. i'll try not to try so much.
this weather muckity muck i take it all back i feel awful all over. BUT THEN I SAW EVRIM AND HE IS A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES ALLOW ME TO SAY. i'm going into self imposed exile. but after, after, after i have lunch with evrim.
yours, amanda L. at 3:04:00 PM [+]
today is stephen mayer's birthday. and lewis carroll's. and my eight-years-old crush mikail barishnikov the ballet dancer's. and the boy i lost my virginity to's birthday, his name was chris. i wonder what nicholas is up to.
yours, amanda L. at 3:02:00 PM [+]
snow day house
1. when it snows we sled. i feel good. jessie kelley and i are bleeding like stuck pigs and her roommates are my big brothers with the same birthday as my for-real sister and we sled on trashcan lids. her house is warm and envelops me in a bundle, soggy sad crying me, a fucked up me. but there are thirty kids at the top of this hill and zack is flinging himself down on any moveable thing, including the bicycle they combined with a ski, because my friends make nothing without a bicycle inside it somewhere. the welders and tool-users.
2. and my friendship that is made of sleeping and drawing; the afternoon yesterday had only one color and it was Napping to Movies. we lay in the bed and shift around, napping and listening with one ear, one arm bent-up and crooked and under the self and one arm on the others stomach or neck or flung across the head, taking turns, hours and hours, not talking, we live in a sleep house. recently some kids were talking about sleeping in other people's beds and i said i really like to. i like people when they are asleep, i like myself when i am asleep.
3. "and listen. i'm not following any pattern. i don't tell the whole story. because the whole story always destroys the world, or something along those lines, some intense sentence like that. and it is easy! to see a pattern if you simplify enough, and the actual story is a little hard, hurts, etc, they all are, and the hard, hurts, etc is compounded by its simplification. i'm more than a mess of algorithms, i think."
4. i found ryan's website by myself and no one told me. lafff's fretting over that. but no one told me. i just...found it. by accident.
5. because, my friends are so excellently brutal. we have a wolf house and we live inside of it, with snow drifted up against the door. we eat each other for dinner. this system works, for the most part. um, another simplified thing. an algorithm! for brutality! at some point i was walking out from downtown and through ethel and the world was AMAZING and the snow looking AMAZING. later: jason and i talking in the bar, serious talk, good strong talk. after the bar we're making our way through the snow, the snow getting less beautiful, garrin slid around on a minibike and jk with her arms filled with groceries at the 711 (what will we do tomorrow? monday! no 821! we have to prepare! for the morning ahead!) and we are all the funniest motherfuckers in the whole world.
8. oh, i feel love love love love love love love. but all i get is mess.
yours, amanda L. at 2:27:00 PM [+]
i drew a maze that no one can solve
"my laugh is too loud. i embarass myself. it is unending. i screw up, every day. it is the weather. when my house is livable again, i will live there. i am mucking up friendships with messing around, like breaking eggs for a cake, one, two, three, four. it bothers me. we pinky swore not to get weird, but now he is not smiling when we run into each other, and not calling drunk and happy, and i can see the friendship capsizing from the heaviness of messing around."
"i want to say, stop, stop, stop, stop."
yours, amanda L. at 6:37:00 PM [+]
FEELS! SO! GOOD! YOU'RE COMING HOME! SOON!
1. yesterday i erased my whole template and it was scary. it took me twenty minutes to get it back together. trickery.
5. and yesterday we thought of a solution. we congratulated ourselves and each other. we plotted and schemed, and then we turned up every dial in the apartment, TURNED IT UP, could not stop grinning at our cleverness, could not stop talking about heat the way starving people go crazy and can only talk about food, of the solution, and fell asleep content, ready to fight! to win!, and i used my new vibrator (powered by a little big muff guitar pedal!!) which is way quieter than the old one, slept soundly, piles of blankets, everything fixed, dreaming of All Of Richmond; woke up to go pedal the green bicycle with two different sized wheels and pay my tickets
and called the electric company which, of course, dashed our smart plan to pieces, popped my balloon, etc etc
we go crazier from the freezing.
also. jason makes the best mix cds. he is my bestie.
yours, amanda L. at 2:17:00 PM [+]
more ups than UPS
1. i trace and retrace my laurel street.
2. taking in information and discarding it at the end of the day. information theory. trying, trying, trying.
3. www.cutthroatsrva.org won't work
4. internet, have i really abandoned you
6. too much fun. messing around hard. talking about adhd and medicines. stories about the past. like
the one about getting in awful fights and nicholas throwing all the fans off the roof, drunk, wearing only boxers, just flinging everything into the parking lot, which is funny now; the one about waking up in the grass wearing a ballgown and no shoes; the ones about highschool boyfriends; the several about muna's backyard; the one about may 25, 2000; the ones about fabulous pains i have experienced; the medical histories, the bedroom histories, the drinking histories, the movies watched and bands loved; the one about living in philadelphia; the assorted myths of countries visited; the one about living in the children's section of the bookstore; the order of things in a precise way, told from all directions
when there is a new kid in class you have to catch them up. to the present.
7. i'm looking up at the noise and it is Steaming Heaters. i ought to live in the shop classroom at the city's alternative school, the RAP. today nate green said this isnt even a school when i asked them if they have a band. he and deron were freestyling about energy and chapter 9 in their textbooks at my request and i'm saying, you've made my week and terrell was tapping complicated beats with his knuckles and a ballpoint pen.
yours, amanda L. at 12:40:00 PM [+]
ms bennett's third grade = juan + courtney + jamal + jabrel + thomas + r'kelah + shaunda + darren + alex + miguel + guston + precious + kwanza + shante' + thurston + the one i forgot
walking slowly home, it is warm, blue sky. i look at it. during math with the tutor taking charge of the overhead i walked, slowly, to the teachers lounge where i slowly drank a carton of chocolate milk and stared at the sky. blue. rest, two, three, four. walk back. and: my bike with empty tires. chance and jason on the porch and i am too stunned by my day to make any sense but chance lends me an awkward little bike which i love, it is good to abandon objects in yards and continue on, and ride here. feeling good. tyler's sketchbooks from highschool. the today fake springtime, and i will draw drawings. and i will get it together. i feel whole and normal and fleshed out, like someone who makes things and draws drawings and breathes air and teaches school when she feels like it and has friends who simply want to be friends
hey loved ones: that unending everafter sadness is a cheater. it sleeps around, you guys. because i know this for a fact and it is because you are all talking about it. you know. in the way you do when you are more than friends.
i see you and you are slipping. if one were only a reader, one would assume that my loved ones are very too busy being sad all of their free time. i sorta...i am sorta just waiting for them. them and surgery.
oh, oh, surgery is going to be so intense!! surgery is so exciting! exciting like exciting things. listen. i have to go. i need to take this bike back. i need to hurry to my studio and cut and paste idly with no objective. i need to get all my thoughts down on tangible paper, with pens that are a pleasure to write with. and be outside, and drink some coffees, and did you know this?
yours, amanda L. at 5:06:00 PM [+]
i talked with rachel from richmond about the brain. i did this because when i told her my funny story about chad = taco
(sleepily) i'm going to taco bell.
who are you going with?
...taco...i mean...um, chad.
she suddenly got it (fast) and said laughing what, are you synesthesic? and i got real excited and then we talked about brains and their processes. i remembered! that at my party there was a girl i knew from before that said, casey told me to talk to you about the brain. and rachel from richmond was that girl.
we are "c"hillin"g at" andy "lows hou"se." i am drunk. that is interesting, if you are interested in people or brains or anthopology.
i have ridden my bike for years and years and my be
yours, amanda L. at 12:36:00 AM [+]
the cold makes me sad!!!! i don't know why!!! i make it sound sad!!! more sad than it is!!! more intense than it is!!! more cute than it is!!! more endless fuckup!!!
yours, amanda L. at 7:57:00 PM [+]
re: notice of unpaid tickets its cold everywhere. i am cold, inside and out. its hard to climb from the warm warm bed and get on the bicycle and go all the way to work. when you shove me with your warm arm and say, you're awake, go to work. and i say, its hard when you use your warm arms for shoving. its cold everywhere. i can't figure out what is happening. dear real life, please provide me with more solidity and form. and stop crying every day. your friend, anda. p.s., i promise i will finish more books. like the one about parallel universes. and i will move away like i said i would. i will stay put, in the new location.
yours, amanda L. at 7:47:00 PM [+]
room 117 second grade: arnithia (pink shirt, can't sit in chair), alexandra (brought the capsule that we put in water and it turned into a sponge toucan), alexis (trailed alex all day), corey and devin (the worst ones), kierra (quietest, sat on the corner), donte (red shirt and weave, used the bathroom/got water four zillion times), john (white kid, good reader), randy (weird gold necklace), jazmen (sharpened pencils every twenty mintues, twice as big as all the other kids), peter (white kid, geeky), cash ("student helper" gets to pass out all papers, super awful behavior), harrison (keeps wandering away from desk), daaziq and chaz (chaz is the smart one), amara (over-helpful, fuzzy headed) and rachel (broken wrist, looked fucking sad all day). we colored pictures of the great wall of china. we read judy moody. we had double recess. we watched alex's sponge capsule animal unfold. i told chaz, don't throw your pencil, i don't want to see it stuck in your eyeball. then you'd need a patch. like a pirate. he said, ooo, that would be cool, and put his hand over his eye. i put my hand over my eye and explained that with only one eye you'd have no depth perception and could not play soccer because you'd have no idea where the ball was in space. daaziq threw his pencil and i said, don't you start now. i mean it. i don't want to see no pencils in your eyes. i'm serious.
yours, amanda L. at 7:35:00 PM [+]
do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do?
yours, amanda L. at 5:57:00 PM [+]
anda gail lewis 2005. stop crying every day.