Friday, January 28


sometimes it helps to consult the archives.
this is funny because...well, its just funny. its funny in the way where i know why it is funny and you don't know why it is funny, but thats okay i think.

today this kid grabbed the connect four box and i said, don't play connect four, go to your reading class. and he started to open the box and so i closed the box and said, reading. and he said, i don't give a fuck. and i said, watch the language please. and he said, i'm allowed to curse i am on medication. and then i laughed, and started to cough alot. because i have a cold.

yours, amanda L. at 10:19:00 AM [+]


i have a cold stop the world caught up with me stop 50 percent very depressed at all times stop feel like i keep making the wrong choices stop and i just wanted a cat and a kitchen stop i need to not listen to i'm wide awake its morning so much stop i could really use some idea club right now stop okay going home to crawl in bed and give up a little further stop

yours, amanda L. at 10:14:00 AM [+]

Wednesday, January 26


shaking awake as the room lurches around. i have nine lives. i woke up still alittle drunk and my life had been modelled after a talib kweli song this morning, i woke up feeling brand new and i jumped up feeling my highs, and my lows in my soul, and my goals just to stop smokin, and stop drinkin and I've been thinkin - i've got my reasons just to get (by), just to get (by) just to get (by), just to get (by) and i swallowed tylenol and listened to the new bright eyes record (and the theme of this morning is: this morning) and outside it was snowmelting and blue and although i knew i was a mess i felt strong-boned and good, like i could make a change. the archtype of of being a mess and knowing you're going to be okay. in the afternoon after we had stuffed our bags full of grocery-store nuts and avocados, tasha stood in the kitchen and said she had awoken the same way. and we listened to the song.
Q. how renewed is the world?
A. i rode my bike to the streets that are named after states. the richmond city intersection of texas and new york. its wet and smells dark and it is above freezing, and i ride in circles at the cemetary gates for a long while. how earlier today i told a story about a kid tipping a desk over and later a kid tipped a desk over. they are nine years old and frowning and cursing and just simply losing it because they are smart and this is the special ed class and they are so mad at everything. he tipped the desk over and his one-on-one carried him out like he weighed nothing and he was so, so relieved, and so angry, and called us all motherfuckers.

its nice tonight. the scary alleyways and the trees. a large package of olives from nick's produce, fixed in the evrim way. kerry in the library.
oils, nuts, seeds, "i like bread that is seedy"
last night: we scooped at the little piles of lentils, greens, cabbages and chickpeas with torn-off pieces of spongy bread. washed down with pbr, talking about what shows we'd seen at the old place, our table was where the stage had been, and hole in the wall is an ethiopian restraunt. i was explaining that i like to figure out the tricks to people. later we got drunk and became very emotional, and yelled elaborately, while pounding our hands on the table, scooting around restlessly, waving cigarettes in the air and knocking coats off of chairs. i went to sleep suspicious of Good Things. i love little-drink-box sangria. someone has thrown candy all over the floor of my room, smarties and red suckers.
i need a friend who understands: 1. urgency, 2.the movie barfly, 3. springtime dreams that afflict you get in the winter months and make you sob in your sleep and the shitty lonliness having one's own bedroom after months of wishing. i want to hold hands and lean my head onto shoulders, and have your palm on my neck, and other warmth.

where where where where and when?

yours, amanda L. at 9:19:00 PM [+]


matt dineen, birthday april 7th
i forgot to describe matt dineen visiting. he visited, he came on a bus, and i was so hungover when i picked him up at the station that i had already puked in the ladies' room and was blearily walking in Zs humming defiance, ohio songs. we tried to show him a horribly wonderful time, but richmond took that moment to ice itself over which was kind of good because i didn't have to teach and everyone was cooking long, long dinners to heat their houses. one night it was three hour vegan cheesesteaks. i was in a terrible mood the whole time and trying to hide it to be polite. but i was desperately depressed and matt dineen was full of vigor and optimistic about his very good book idea and the contrast made me feel worse. i haven't done a thing but ask small people to hang up their coats then get out their journals, or drank champagne in a gutter, or said What Are You Doing Tonight, for a whole year. this made me wretchedly sad.
matt dineen talked alot and i like that in people. he had a tape recorder that he stopped and started extensively, which is also a good character trait. one day tasha and chance were very chilly to the two of us when i was trying to teach him to play yatzee. another time we went out and saw VCR at the chuckwagon. i used the introductions "from wisconsin", "from boston" and "from the internet!!" interchangably. the end. godspeed! are ya coming back saturday for the show(s)?

yours, amanda L. at 11:08:00 AM [+]

Sunday, January 23


i keep my bedroom warm, in a manner close to care of some delicate thing or a pet, because bedrooms are delicate pets that dissolve like all the sugars. my temporary house feels trembly these days. it has something to do with me and my housemate being the moodiest girls in all of richmond. it also has something to do with the fact that the entire city froze into a big fucking ice cube and i can't go outside without crying real tears. on the plus side of things, the alamo has made me sixteen times drunker and six days vegan. and tasha, who has started calling everyone and anyone monkey as a universal pet name, we telephone one another from different rooms of the house. which is classier than hollering through walls. best home ever.

i called amanda m. on the telephone last night. she said i had a southern accent, which is a grave untruth. on the other hand, she sounds like a fargo character. so there. once i was wasted i regretted not lying more extensively over the phone, because once i was wasted i was really, really hilarious. to make up for it i will give her phone number to anyone. just email me, reader.

no wait that was two nights ago when i was so hilarious. and those of us that played one thousand games of wordster at the bar---like winners!

p.s. deleware is the new florida.

yours, amanda L. at 1:59:00 PM [+]


chip of ice in the eye like that fairy tale (is it lazy to just cccv an email you just wrote?

dear cuckoo, are you dead. the last time we spoke you were walking to the goddamn hospital and i hung up the phone and was scared for you and you never called to tell me if you were okay and so now i have to ask, are you dead. just now i was listening to ghost mice you know the song where they are all "lets ride our bikes to the post office and then go to the library" and get into better moods actually the song is called Alas Babylon which is also the title of a great science fiction book, but it reminded me 1.of you and 2. that i didn't know if you were dead. if you are actually dead i swear it will make me fucking cry my face off. ok i'm going to take my friend matt-from-the-internet over to college house to bake cookies with L-dav. today i realized to my extreme displeasure that richmond is actually not only frozen solid but exactly the same as it always has been AND that i had made yet another Big Mistake in deciding to stay here this month. if you still want to buy a van i will still also live in it. because i've made an important decision and it is: fuck life.
piece, YOUR PAL annnnnnda

yours, amanda L. at 1:49:00 PM [+]


i just want to add that california is fucked up. yeah i said it.

yours, amanda L. at 1:47:00 PM [+]

Friday, January 21


i'm so convinced that they will close school tomorrow that i park stephen's car outside of the coffeehouse with wifi so i can get on the internet and check, and wait, and check. i download death from above songs and now its 12:17 am and i win. tomorrow wes and i are going to play nintendo games all day, and then drink. high five.

yours, amanda L. at 1:18:00 AM [+]

Wednesday, January 19


its now a snow day. i went in my head, cmon pregnant girls, lets do this work in the cafeteria where it is warm. and they fixed themselves bowls of frosted flakes in styrofoam bowls and i carried the textbooks because they are all pregnant. and then it started coming down and the pricipal let us go home and during the walk back to the alamo i tipped my head back oh it is freezing. the classroom was freezing, my house is freezing, there isn't any avenue of escape, i want a long warm shower at 3SA but their pipes froze yesterday. my sketches are entirely recipes for the warmest clothes possible, piecework-patched-togther frankenstein sweater shit. where you'd pull it on over your body and not have to do anything else, maybe one zipper, but a large hood, long sleeves overtop your hands, knits that stretch on you. there's nothing in the entire house to sew with. i'm poor on materials. plus i can't bring myself to take my wooly tights off. and then said to amy and kaylee over their chessgame, is it just my period or is everyone a fucking freak today?? jesus fucking christ.

yours, amanda L. at 4:00:00 PM [+]

Sunday, January 16


1. edward tufte's new book

2. i bundled up and confronted the cold saturday. out, out, out. at lori40's house they were playing scrabble and i helped jessie bluff and win with IR (not a word) and i drank a bottle of champagne and my bicycle is doing something funny deep inside its inner core. inside the parts i don't know about, like what happens beyond where the pedals connect. its crank whatsit. i don't know. dennis made this crazy thing that has three wheels and bends in the middle like the twisty bike. and at the party where a roomful of people were jumping up and down to come on eileen with no opt-outs at all and some of us pulled their liquor from off the top of the fridge and poured everything into one bottle, chortling at our ingenuity, at this party, technicolor gabe the twin was holding this crazy bike in gloved hands with an doubtful frown and dennis was yelling at him, just relax! you'll be fine! and i said, what let me ride that, let me ride it, let me let me let me. it wriggles allover the road and the air is nothing but knives and kids screaming BRUNSWICK!!!! 20 SOUTH BRUNSWICK!!! at each other and then we play the trivia game at the bar. and i am good at it, you all.

3. i slept in the bed of the boy that i fucking want to marry, and had loud, forceful dreams about the girl he is probably still in love with forever, and in them she was crazy, profoundly crazy, and was scary to me. on the bike this morning with my hands to my mouth against the cold i thought about witchery, and i didn't know if i had had his dreams or my own dreams, but the whole thing was very ugly to think about. i'll be a better friend. i won't think silently, marry me marry me marry me. i'll instead wake up at my own house each morning and make miso soup and turn my attentions, in a wintertime fashion, to the too-young boys at the art school parties instead. and in fact, and even better, i will go to work at work, then move to spain, then lay on the beaches letting my mind go absolutely white, every day

yours, amanda L. at 3:32:00 PM [+]

Saturday, January 15


"kids can't stay out all night and have passion!"

yours, amanda L. at 2:52:00 PM [+]

Wednesday, January 12


my favorites circa today's day
1. toast with butter, salt, pepper and tomatoes.
2. the song 1st of tha month.
3. 70-degree weather. tasha said that as she and chance played chess on the stoop, a photographer from the RTD took their picture to symbolize the day.
4. endocet. ohh, endocet. mmm.
5. worksheet generators.
6. granting the kindergardeners an hour of recess because i don't want to go inside.
7. spending an hour and a half working on a 550 piece jigsaw puzzle, with the windows open and the boxedwine perched at the edge of the table, until we have headaches.
8. let's buy this huge bag of mint and make mint tea in glass cups like the arabs.
9. i miss luke!

yours, amanda L. at 8:17:00 PM [+]


when i move wrong the pain makes me yelp. thus i biked downtown to good old MCV and tried to scam some painkillers, which took a very long time but was a highly sucessful endevor. then i telephoned Home to scream lets get fucked up please!!! while tasha said can we go buy a box of wine at the same moment and then we you know got wasted and talked our mouths off and chance came over and looked uncomfortable at our Increasing Power.

i like that my archives go from 2002 to 2005 now. that is like going from green to yellow to blue to pink, and that is a fucking rainbow.

A. this time last year.

yours, amanda L. at 7:58:00 PM [+]

Sunday, January 9


my new bedroom for one month has bright blue walls and moldy parts that make it look underwater. it also has a row of suitcases against the wall and two stacks of paperbacks and ghosts that turn the lights off an on. when they killed the lights tonight i left the bottle of champagne next to the bed and put on my warm coat because the lightswitches are so crazy that: i can't find them. and so i went for a walk. tomorrow i'm teaching PE at fox elementary. the bruise on my cheek is green.

yours, amanda L. at 8:08:00 PM [+]


tasha lives in an enormous haunted house that is called the alamo and she lives there all by herself for such a tiny amount of $$$ that it makes you blink hard and shake your head and go, what? so i decided to move in with her until spain. but first we tested the waters by driving all over the city and buying asian groceries and then saying to each other, i really like to get drunk in the daytime and then having the rest of the box wine, telling our love affair histories, attending the art show at chop suey that we didn't care about but i wanted to see j laferrera to reassure him that i am For Real. and eventually winding up at nancyraygun playing wordster. and i think that tasha is my girlfriend now and also that we both really, really, really rule.
my face swelled up for no reason and i became afeared of food allergies, and so went to kroger for benadryl thinking, it may be ten oclock on a saturday night but i am going to put myself out of commission and that is okay. so i ate benadryl and staggered to 3SA and wes was already passed out warm still wearing bicycle shoes, and i said aloud, whoa. what happened? but he was really asleep and so i commenced passing out as well, with benadryl making my brains puff up like waterballoons and jostle one another all night. at four AM a billion kids came into the house and said loudly 1. where is the spraypaint and 2. can we ride this bike, how about this one. wes sat up and announced that he had been cuddling one of his bike shoes and at first he didn't know what had happened and then he did remember what happened and the summary of it involved the army soccer team arriving 34 deep at mojos and then his boss buying him shots all evening and then his friend crying at the bar and then him passing out here at 3SA. and so we decided to go to fourth street and make each other laugh until it was daytime outside

yours, amanda L. at 1:57:00 PM [+]

Friday, January 7


where the city motto is for real RICHMOND: EASY TO LOVE and plus the teeshirts at diversity thrift and and the little broken-apart house in south central (that is, south central fan district)

i'm currently falling out of the sky. last week was so good the crash had to be ugly, and in fact last night i sat at the top of the staircase and had my planned drunken breakdown, weeping unnecessarily into my knuckles. but that was after mike appeared shining and bebackpacked at the door, and i had just hours before Got My Entire Life Together and settled on his abandoned room.
they thought you'd left forever.
i just went home for christmas.
i just put a sackful of paperback books and two small pictureframes into your bedroom.
you're taking my room??
no! i mean. no. i mean. you're back now. we just didnt know where you were.
i just went home for christmas.

we---and that means, uncharacteristically, matthew p and i---had just bought a wide assortment of beverages and had commenced drinking them on the porch. my sides pinch when i make sudden motions, but i am relatively unbruised from wednesday's disaster. evan arrives and falls sideways off his bicycle, raises his head and squints, grinning. and i holler MY FRIENNNNNND in my best czechpetr voice, and hand him a pbr. he says, i was at work but i passed out in the bathroom. i'm inwardly panicked over housing. it was a sure bet for, um, five seconds and a day. one little month of the diamonds richmond has to offer: substitute teaching, green curry with the boys, rapmusic in the mornings, even nastier bicycle disasters. and then barcelona spain.*

new years eve was rad and the best is the rooftop of 320 harrison street with cheap champagnes and only 6 pm. and dreaming dreams like professional daydreamers.

*feeling bad that when i make my pro/con lists of possible places to live ( 2.oakland 3.portland 4.montreal) i add with a relish luke's van! as my number five option; when wes leans over and crosses it out, i laugh like ha ha ha. but secretly think its damnably plausible. plus plausibly awesome.

i've been living at 3 south allen with three of my exwarehousers. wes calls it a joke and he is right. this house is a joke and chance is afraid the porch is going to fall off and squash us. and my foot actually did step through the porch floor and make a big hole. INSATIABLE DESIRES.

+ + + + + + + + +

4. cooking and cleaning, plus sewing in the corner, bikes that break and bikes with boomboxes, B day and subsequently going through the alphabet (today is E. we have to drink everclear and take ecstasy while listening to earthcrisis, duh) and not to mention tan-A gluten, springtime porchcore, walks at night and homemade sweaters, a fourteen dollar tradepaperback library i need a bookshelf for, moby dick and vice magazine, champagne and sparks, staying up, PASTIS, quicksilver, cardboard robots stuffed with firecrackers, jessie k bartending at the chuckwagon, albert hill middle school algebra, and on and on and on.

yours, amanda L. at 10:17:00 AM [+]

Wednesday, January 5


dear richmond virginia, i just crashed a bike onto my face. an hour ago wes was saying, when that bike falls apart its gonna be awesome. and then just now LIKE A PROPHECY i was laying on my face trying for air, eyes closed, brains in a scramble, god damn it. now my ribs are in a state. and i love you richmond virginia like when you break up with your boyfriend because he is a drunk and then you run into him when the temperature is all springtime out and its the middle of the day and suddenly you are all OMG you're still hot and then you do it to him for like three days without pause, without pause. everyone has plans and i have all their plans at once and its making me idiotic. everyone wants to move somewhere and i wish i were just elastic, and could bend time. i want to tell you what has happened but my ribs hurt a fucking lot and i have to go check out my face in the bathroom. it feels red colored. ps karen is good because she telepathically called immediately to ask if i was okay

yours, amanda L. at 1:33:00 PM [+]

anda gail lewis 2005. stop crying every day.

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